The fog in my brain swirled endlessly, my head felt twice it’s size and weight. Every joint in my body wept and my spine felt like it was made of wood, unable to bend in any direction when I awoke each morning. Every day I waded through the sludge of deep fatigue, sometimes wondering how I would make it from one room to the next. Every corner of my body seemed broken and I felt like I was dying.
With tunnel vision focus I aimed all my energy on not dying. I dragged myself to five appointments each week, visiting two different chiropractors, receiving bio-resonance and massages, seeing my naturopath, and in between the appointments and sleeping, swallowed 80 supplement pills a day (a lot of them unnecessarily self-prescribed), juiced fruits and vegetables, and filtered gallons of water to drink. I stubbornly hung on to drinking a glass of wine (or two) in the evenings…something may as well be enjoyable. And all the time I was quietly repeating in my head, “I will not die, I will not die.”
The rest of my day was spent on the couch, wrapped in blankets and lying on a magnetic pad. I had never reached out to the Lyme community for support before (I don’t need anyone’s help – ha!), but this was different…I felt like I was dying, and miserably, I surrendered to support. I connected via Facebook and a Yahoo group into large online communities of people struggling with Chronic Lyme and tick-borne illnesses, and read their postings with wide-eyes. These folks knew their stuff, sharing information like scientists, knowledgeable about testing, and a myriad of treatment protocols being offered across the board, from allopathic to natural. I felt like a kindergartner that had just landed in grad school.
With my sorely challenged brain I followed their lead, researching fanatically, unable to mentally retrieve all I had read, but continuing my research anyway. I had to stay alive.
I began to post questions and learn, sometimes receiving support, sometimes offering it. That always felt good, the giving and receiving. I was repeatedly shocked to learn about what other people were dealing with, and I became committed to shed light on this overlooked community and disease.
One day my withering brain burped out a quote I’d heard a hundred times before, “What you resist persists.” Aargh! How had I not seen what I was doing?! I don’t know how it happens or if there are some special steps to the place of surrender, but remembering that quote was part of it. I made peace with dying. It was not surrendering to the illness, it was not a wanting to die, it was simply making peace with myself, knowing that should I die, something good could come out of it. Lives would be immediately and deeply impacted, and word about Lyme and its possible outcome would be known to more people, and perhaps make a difference to someone else. I could live or die with that.
There was no longer anything to resist. My mind disentangled itself from the energy drain of resistance and fear, leaving an empty space for something else to show up in. For me it was peace.
With the new found peace, unbeknownst to me, I was perfectly poised to receive my next lesson.
Lisa Hilton
December 5, 2011 at 3:01 amI frickin love this!! I mean it. I try to explain this to people all the time. Once you reach this point it relieves you of so much anxiety. I totally am at this point too.
Lyme Thriving
December 5, 2011 at 8:56 pm🙂 Thanks Lisa. So glad to hear where you are. Thank you for your amazing support and facilitation of communication between so many people. Hope the sleep schedule is getting better. I think I attempted to reply before but didn’t see it show up…still a blog ‘virgin’ so learning the ropes. haha!
Shirley
August 12, 2016 at 5:22 pmI have been dealing with Lyme for 9 years, dealing with doctors who don’t believe in Chronic Lyme is not helpful. Read lots of books on Lyme and try to follow all of them, it is one hard disease to beat. Lots of vitamins, nutrients and Rife Machine, eating well also. I won’t give up. SW
Jenny
September 9, 2016 at 11:05 amI hope you find a physician who can support you appropriately, but you can do so much for yourself in the meantime as you already seem to be doing. Much love. xoxo
cliveswersky
December 5, 2011 at 5:26 amDear Jenny:
You are a strong, courageous and inspiring woman!
I’m looking forward to seeing you on December 21 to acknowledge you in person and celebrate your life with you!
Love,
Clive
Lyme Thriving
December 5, 2011 at 8:58 pmThank you Clive. You quietly pointed me in a direction in my life that has made all the difference to me in so many areas of life. Can’t wait to celebrate your birthday with you…acknowledgments to you my friend. xo Tried to reply to you like I did Lisa but didn’t see it show up. This is my second attempt.
Sherene De Palma
December 5, 2011 at 7:55 pmJenny, Jenny,
I’m so grateful to have you on the planet! You are an inspiration (and quite an articulate one at that)!! Wherever you are, greatness is. I am honored to be with you on this journey and am excited about what you are creating.
I love you girl,
Sherene
Lyme Thriving
December 5, 2011 at 9:01 pmSherene! So glad you landed on my blog page. My gratitude for your constant friendship and support can’t be articulated. I love that you laugh at yourself and have me laugh at myself…and your stand for removing the story and being straight about what’s so is remarkable and inspiring to me. You also have been instrumental in getting me to not talk about writing but get busy with writing. Love that you are my friend and fellow traveler. xxoo
Making Curtains
December 7, 2011 at 12:24 pmWell thought out point of view – makes a nice change from all the rubbish lots of so-called bloggers spout on this subject.
What You Resist Persists – Lesson 1 | What is Lyme?
December 11, 2011 at 8:06 pm[…] To continue reading click  https://www.lymethriving.com/2011/12/04/what-you-resist-persists/ […]
Wedding planning
December 17, 2011 at 6:17 amHey, I can’t view your site properly within Opera, I actually hope you look into fixing this.
[url=http://www.weddingplannerphotography.com]Wedding photography[/url]
Lyme Thriving
December 17, 2011 at 3:02 pmIt’s a WordPress blog…so don’t have much control over those things. Works in all other browsers. Try looking at it in Safari (I’m assuming you are on a Mac?). Otherwise, any other browser is fine IE, Firefox, Safari, Chrome. Hope this helps.
Homestead Dark Chocolate
December 18, 2011 at 9:22 pmHi Jenny
Thank you for sharing – it makes us feel not so alone.
Love the title of your lesson – It is so true…
Blessings for the Festive Season – you have been an inspiration to me.
Kindest regards
Pam Thomson (aka Lyme Soutafrica)
Lyme Thriving
December 18, 2011 at 9:27 pmThanks for keeping the inspiration going for me too Pam. Love that even when we are all asleep in USA (or supposed to be), you are online from your time zone. 🙂 We have around the clock chat buddies…lucky us. All the best for the holiday season and a healthy new year!
Homestead Dark Chocolate aka 'lil Pam
January 31, 2012 at 8:05 pmDear Jenny
It was wonderful to meet you in person in Johannesburg recently.
Thanks for all the inspiration. I have just re-read your post and it really resonates with me. Take care.
Love ‘lil Pam
pozycjonowanie
January 17, 2012 at 11:35 pmHey I simply love your awesome editorial thanx and please don’t stop!
Catherine
March 7, 2012 at 7:44 pmSomeone who loves me said to me one day… turn to your higher self… don’t forget this and then I did just let go of my knees that I was soooo bothered about.. I said to my body, go ahead, do as you wish, rot.. ha! But you can’t destroy me as I (spirit) cannot be destroyed. The relationship with my body changed and my love for me as a spiritual powerful being became “my new focus!”. Within days I felt less pain, more empowerment and far less depressed. I knew my pain was not permanent and I was special despite feeling physically useless.I kept with my diet… Butter, fatty meat and green veg (brussel sprouts/broccoli/cabbage), eggs… green salad foods, walking/exercise and got better and better.. Still needed patience of a saint. Now I am learning more and more. Read “How Your Mind Can Heal your Body” By David R. Hamilton – Impressive book!
Donna
May 1, 2012 at 10:34 amThank you for this… every post I look at here reminds me of what I keep learning and forgetting, which begs the question “is it really learning?” I guess it’s baby steps, and that’s the way we humans learn, so this has been hard for me to accept because I like to learn FAST and had become accustomed to remembering things. Lyme took that away, and in its place has left surrender to the belief that I am where I am supposed to be, whether I remember it or not. There’s a freedom in that. Surrender… when I can stay in this place of surrender I experience freedom and peace.
Lyme Thriving
May 1, 2012 at 2:57 pmThanks Donna and so glad we connected up. Yes…freedom and peace! 🙂 And it’s okay if we have to ‘relearn’ the same lessons. I think the lesson just gets learned at a deeper level and reveals a little more each time. It’s the onion thing…one layer at a time. From one onion to another…have a beautiful day.
Ali Varney
April 9, 2014 at 8:27 pmJenny
I stumbled across your blog when search for comfort on my journey through this. I have Rickettssia from a bite in South Africa 25yrs ago. I now live in Australia and last year was the sickest I have ever been. The tests finally came back positive for this and I am now being treated by a very knowledgable Dr who uses both conventional medicine and naturopathic methods.
I too have realised there is a time to let go and embrace the process.
I can’t say it better than you and am so grateful to have found your site.
Thank you so very much for taking the time to help all of us dealing with this condition or should I say journey?
Lots of love to you and all who view this site.
Ali
Lymethriving
April 10, 2014 at 8:59 amThank you Ali. Your story is so similar to so many others. Embracing it as a process, a journey, brings a lot more ease to it all. Using the situation as an opportunity to let go of identifying with who we think we are and realizing Self is the greatest opportunity for our lives. I wish you ease as you travel, and all the best in finding the best way to nurture and nourish your body back into wellness and your experience of Self into well-being. Love,Jenny
Reema
January 8, 2016 at 8:41 pmThank you Jenny.
I cannot express how much your words and writing are so helpful to me.
I truly thank you and send you heartfelt blessings.
Jenny
January 8, 2016 at 9:52 pmI’m so happy when something I share helps someone else. Thank you for your kind words. xoxo