Warriors Cry Too – Lesson 4

“Warrior – a person who shows or has shown great vigor, courage, or aggressiveness.”

Aren’t we all warriors at certain times in our lives? When we are fiercely committed to something we engage in the corresponding actions with vigor and tenacity. And even when we stray from the path, we find our way back with renewed enthusiasm and commitment. It’s a roller coaster ride.

I like to think of myself as a warrior for a variety of reasons. Probably at the top of the list is that if I’m taking something on like a warrior, I will most likely produce the results I desire. And most likely right there next to it is my ego enjoying being all fluffed up and special…look at me…I’m winning! I’m okay with that. It falls into the realm of being human.

And yet, no matter how much ground I’ve gained along the ‘warrior’s path’ back to wellness by taking care of my physicality and searching for my inner lessons, there are times I simply put down all my warrior tools and cry. Today is one of those days.

Creating this blog has re-presenced me to what I’ve learned, and has also given me some snapshots of where I was earlier this year in comparison to where I am now. A lot of ground has been covered and the progress seems noteworthy. And yet, as one simple activity is put back into my life (working out for a 1/2 hour a couple of times a week) I find myself back on my knees with a slow brain. The emotions that arise with this are deep.

With each lesson that’s been revealed I have felt myself catapulted forward into a space of gratitude, and then hungrily, greedily, pushed forward for the next expansion and another fix of spiritual liberation. While I may be a spiritual being having a human experience, I see how I often forget to honor some of the human experiences. And I am, after all, here for the human experience.

Surveying my life as it is now I see a quietness I didn’t have before, a peacefulness with less frenetic activity, and a love of Self that is growing. I experience life most fully in the pause between words and the rest between actions…I am learning to simply BE.

And yet there was a life I once had that was vastly different, one in which I could rush around and do whatever I chose, over achieve, over do, over spend, over eat, over drink, under sleep, over train…you get the picture. It was fun and it was stressful and it was out of balance. I am not sorry it is over, and yet I feel the loss.

It is like I have lost a close friend, one who was not always good to me but who was always there, through the good times and the bad. I have let her go without regret, and now I simply miss her.

With my wellness-warrior face set aside, I cry as I mourn the loss. Some friendships survive only a finite period of time, serving a purpose, and then it is time to let go and move on. Some days I struggle to let go of the person I used to be, afraid she will be forgotten somehow. In time she may be forgotten, but for sure she will always be loved. My warrior-heart tells me this.