Standing alone in the kitchen, taking inventory of my body…stiffness in my neck, ache in lower back, knees complaining, deep fatigue, brain fog…crying. Yup, it must be Sunday. Seems to be a new Sunday routine. Looking over at the counter covered in bottles of various enzymes, vitamins, minerals, herbal remedies etc, I sigh. Can’t face going through the daily routine of swallowing pills, doing detoxes, making vegetable smoothies, forcing my brain to do the dance of comprehending simple things that now occur as complicated problems, and at the same time fighting my way through the heaviness of fatigue.
So I discard the looming protocols and look at the large, homemade chocolate chip cookie in my hand. With a glance over at the ‘torture counter’ I decide… screw it…I’m eating the cookie, and I will eat junk and comfort food all day.
And so I ate the cookie, still crying.
Five minutes later I was counting out my pills, organizing myself to make smoothies, filtering water. I was glad I allowed myself a start to the day that was all drama. Sometimes it’s just how I feel, all dramatic and sorry for myself. I’m certainly tired of the slog through the Lyme. And Sunday was not a good day for sure. I went to Whole Foods to stock up on detox stuff and on my way out answered a survey at a table by the exit door. A woman was asking me questions. I couldn’t decipher what she was saying, my brain was jumbling everything up…but the funny thing is that I was answering her…and I have no idea what I said. I probably left her as dazed and confused as myself.
But bad mornings usually morph into reasonable days as I fill up on things good for me. This is new…doing things that are good for me, and at a slow pace…WTH! I’m almost 50 yrs old and have not spent much of those 50 years being good to my body. I tend to learn the hard way, but it’s okay, I do eventually learn. I sometimes worry that I have learned too late…
I have hated and loved taking on Lyme. In previous rounds of Lyme I thought I had taken on my illness with gusto. But there is a different ‘taking it on’ when you think you are dying. I am far from perfect, and sometimes I find myself face first in the dirt, not taking care of myself, but the scale is tipping. It is my full time job to manage my care. And for the first time in my life, I wish I had someone to hand it over to.
My life has become simpler in a way. There are the deep pleasures of doing simple things like laundry or taking the dogs for a slow walk. I drive below the speed limit…that is just hysterical, but it’s true and also necessary. I have gone from being the ultimate ‘doer’ to someone who sits in silence, just being. That’s often all I can do.
And in the quiet, I experience life in a different way. I can’t articulate it, perhaps because there aren’t words to describe the exquisite intricacies of life, or because there is fog between my experience and my outward expression. For now, or maybe always, there is just a mass of experience and new knowing that exists for me.
I have new passion and purpose for making a difference. Little pieces are falling into place. In the meantime, as I take stock and heal, I spend my quiet time staring at the ceiling from my frequent place on the couch, knowing that part of me is burning with aliveness. It’s exactly as it’s meant to be.
And the moment I stop wishing for life to be any other way is the moment I will have learned what there is for me to learn from this lesson and I’ll be done with Lyme….and then it will be on to the next lesson.
….during which time I will probably find myself saying, “screw it…I’m eating the cookie. 🙂
(This was written in March 2011)