Meeting Myself Where I Am – Lesson 2

Meeting Myself Where I Am – Lesson 2

Patterns and habits rule when I’m not living consciously. That tends to play out with me trying to get everything done so that I can then take time out to rest, but only when everything is done. It’s funny just to write that out. When is everything ever done?

With my stubbornness fully intact, I attempt the impossible anyway:

  • Empty my email inbox – my brain jumbles the words of each sentence, remembering only the last word I read and dropping the previous ones out of the sentence, tripling the amount of time it takes to read and comprehend each email
  • Get work projects done (web site development) – requests that require mental gymnastics to decipher…wow, was I that smart that I could whip through this work before?
  • Grocery shopping – what’s with all the choices on the shelves for each item? So overwhelming!
  • Take the dogs for a walk – stop and rest every 20 yards
  • Cook a meal – I’d rather just nibble on a bowl of chips and sip on wine

Somewhere inside me there is a sigh of relief as I surrender to what I need in the moment, rest.  I lay back down on the couch and allow my eyes to wander slowly from one scene the the next.  I look out the sliding door at the rocks and trees in the backyard.  It’s beautiful outside.  I stare at the ceiling with a blank mind.  I look over at the dogs, one sleeping on the ‘dog’s chair’ the other at my feet on the couch.  They exude peace, love and acceptance.  I focus back on my self.  As I lie motionless and empty minded, I feel surprisingly good.  I don’t experience the  fatigue or pain. There is  just quiet, and it feels really good.

benjen-sm“If I feel good,” I say to myself, “then I should get up and do something…be productive.”  I roll off the couch and attempt to get something done, anything.  The fatigue hits me like a massive cloud of sodden cotton balls, my limbs feel heavy and my brain goes into slow motion. Ugh!  I drop myself back onto the couch.  In a few minutes I feel good again.

This is familiar somehow.  I drift outside of myself and contemplate.  It makes it’s way forward from the seemingly inaccessible recesses of my memories, my training on how to coach people….”meet the person where they are in the moment.”

There is something about being ‘gotten’, being listened to without judgement, that validates us.  To share with another person what we are dealing with and have them really listen, is a golden moment.  It is an acknowledgment and an honoring.

The pieces fall together and I have the visceral experience of being ‘gotten’ by myself.  Where I am is fatigued, not well.  When I meet myself there and honor it, I simply lie on the couch.  I feel good, I feel complete and whole.  As soon as I begin to get busy with doing things, no matter how simple, I experience the gap between what my body is capable of and what I am demanding or expecting my body to do.  In that gap is suffering.

I become aware of how I have not met myself where I am at, ever.  In the past I have barreled through, stepped over, forced my way to DO what I felt should be done, rather than just be with myself exactly where I am, with no apologies necessary.

Each day I have this opportunity to meet myself where I am, to honor my body and my mind in the quiet it has been yearning for.  This is a new experience for me.  I practice it repeatedly.  The practice evolves and transforms and I learn to appreciate what it feels like to honor myself in this small way.  I’m surprised by how nourishing an experience it is and I feel the roots of my Self grow a little deeper.

Just as well and just in time, as the next lesson will sorely try my grounding.

Published by Lymethriving

Offering free resources for dealing with Lyme disease. Host of free teleconference calls twice per month dealing with emotional/spiritual challenges of chronic illness, with guest speakers who share their expertise and practical advice on how to support healing on a physical and spiritual level. www.lymethriving.com

7 Comments

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  • Kathy

    December 14, 2011 at 8:54 pm Reply

    I love this!!! Meeting yourself where you are. It takes some getting used to. 😉 I often am so busy thinking about who I should be that I forget to honor the “me” that is present. Thanks for the reminder, Jenny. A beautiful lesson. XOXO

  • Lyme Thriving

    December 15, 2011 at 3:33 am Reply

    Kathy…it’s a pretty new lesson to me too. Takes a little practice doesn’t it. 🙂

  • Homestead Dark Chocolate

    December 18, 2011 at 9:38 pm Reply

    A Lovely lesson – something I have been trying to master in 2011.~ Pam

    • Lyme Thriving

      December 18, 2011 at 11:59 pm Reply

      I practice this, then fail, then practice, then fail. LOL. The practice part is getting longer and longer. This is the win part. Stay with it.

  • Caz

    May 12, 2015 at 4:44 am Reply

    After being on my death bed three years ago (I believe medication took me there) I mastered this in my battle to survive and appreciated every day I had! But now I’m seen as “well” and need to be a mom and wife again I’ve lost “me” and slip in and out of days in tears where I can only describe as trying to function when broken! Rest and I come back, mental activity leaves me physically drained and physical activity leaves me mentally drained….I won’t call it depression as I am a bubbly person when I’m PACING well BUT where is the sense in it all?

    • Jenny

      May 18, 2015 at 6:44 pm Reply

      That is a difficult place to be in but there is a resolution to it. It’s yours to uncover. I wish I could make it happen for you. We spend our entire lives being given an identity and then at some point we begin to add to it with our roles, achievements, failures, etc. Sometimes (often in chronic illness) we lose our sense of self because everything we identified ourselves with appears to be gone, and we then become identified with the illness itself. But nothing that comes and goes is who we truly are (moods, activities, thoughts, roles in life etc). The realization of that which is always present, and always has been, is our true Self. It is that which is aware of all thoughts, perceptions, experiences. For example, when my cognitive function was at its worst and I couldn’t remember anything, I noticed that I was aware of the memory loss and aware of the word loss and aware when I had lost my way driving. And I would wonder how it was possible that a brain that couldn’t function could still be aware of the dysfunction, but what I was missing was that it was the awareness/consciousness that I (we all) am that was what was aware, and it was never disrupted or upset regardless of the circumstances, and it was in allowing myself to rest or abide AS the awareness that I began to open to the knowing of my true Self. It is the same Self that everyone is. In becoming interested in the nature of awareness it was revealed as peace, love, fulfillment (regardless of circumstances). And as one becomes familiar with their true Self they begin to identify themselves as that, and not as a body/mind. From this perspective and experience we become more peaceful, our energy quietens, and we find our way. It’s a process for sure. Very few have a spontaneous total re-identification, so go easy with yourself.

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