At my sickest, when I was sure that death was imminent, I stopped resisting everything about the experience and surrendered. In that moment I became fully present to the ‘now’, and I experienced the essence of Self. And in that moment, I felt completely fulfilled and I made peace with death, having no regrets for my failures and no need for acknowledgment of my successes, for there was no distinction between the two.
And so tonight, lying in bed unable to fall asleep, listening in a meditative state to contemplations on passages of transition, my mind slowed down and the incessant thoughts ceased. Sitting up into a spontaneous meditation, I felt myself realign, and then all that was, was awareness, that experience of love for all my physical manifestations of it, and the sometimes excruciating expansions of it.
It is like being on the threshold of death, when there is that clear retrospection that has the struggles of life fall into perspective and reveal their purposes, and that moment when finally, everything falls into the truth that love is, and all around there is simply an expression of it or a cry for it.
I have more and more, embraced meditating on death, not as an ending, but as a transition out of a time/space reality and into that which is. It is not a sad or morbid meditation. It feels more like a remembrance. It helps me connect more deeply to my essence and it opens my heart. And often, there is an overflowing of love that releases in tears…and frequently in an urge to write, and yet words are inadequate.
And so I surrender, again.