Maybe I just haven’t learned the lessons deeply enough, or perhaps it’s time to learn some new ones. I am fighting tooth and nail against all of it. “Let the wild rumpus start!”
The past month has brought out a number of experiences that are uncomfortable in their familiarity (fatigue, brain fog, pain and stiffness). The frequency of these reminders has my identity flexing all it’s muscles…looks something like “roaring its terrible roars and gnashing its terrible teeth and rolling its terrible eyes and showing its terrible claws,” leaving me feeling irritable and as though somehow I have failed.
From lessons I learned last year I am back in self-surveillance mode. What is there for me to be responsible for? How have I been being that is out of alignment with who I am at my core. What worked for me when I was experiencing radiant health and well being that I have let go of recently, leaving me dancing with the creatures that feel like symptoms of my ill health last year and the years before?
So far the biggest change is in my busyness. Last year was mostly couch time, hours and hours of quiet with no talking, no doing, no thinking. Everything that I did was to support my well-being. I landed in a space of radiant health. However, in the past couple of months I have allowed myself to be catapulted into a busyness that leaves little to no down time. I have been dancing ferociously against the clock and calendar, creating deadlines and projects. My body has simply been roaring for quiet time and and a schedule that includes rest and relaxation.
“And [I] sailed back over a year
and in and out of weeks
and through a day
and into the night of [my] very own room
where [I] found [my] supper waiting for [me]
and it is still hot.”
So in the rumpus of this contemplation I burn off the frantic energy of panic and fear and am reminded of the discoveries of last year when I experienced the richness of life in the gap between words and the pause between actions. It’s all as it ever was…perfect, whole and complete.
As much as I enjoy ferocious activity and wild dancing, nothing comes close to the beauty of stillness. Now to recreate life again, allowing busyness to occur inside a peaceful space.
(Honoring the memory of Maurice Sendak - “Where the Wild Things Are.”)