He patiently shared information, explaining how the immune system works, the impact of ‘leaky gut syndrome’ on the function of the brain, the integration of body, mind and spirit. My naturopath talked and I listened. On my brain’s worst days, he sounded like the adults in Charlie Brown…wah, wah, wah. And somehow, what he shared was being stored away for when I was ready to remember and deal with the information. And, not only was he a great source of scientific information, he was also a space I simply healed in. No judgement, listening to what I was dealing with, accepting and supporting my decisions to ‘add’ to his protocols (because I was ravenously researching treatments)…all to empower me in my journey. This is generosity, this is someone granting and honoring my ‘being’, this is someone committed to my wellness…this is love, the Naturopathic Physician’s Oath in action.

A Healing Vigil.

From my place on the couch and in the quietness of doing nothing, Gary’s words eventually made their way into my consciousness for contemplation. I felt my ego stand up and say some choice words, like WTF! My ego, so desperate to win, to be right and hold me hostage as a victim was not happy. But I was in ‘being’ mode (see Lesson 1), where nothing is wrong and all was well with the world. In this state there is no blame to place, there is simply what is.

It unfolded and revealed itself: The human body is designed to heal itself. I was not sick because a bacteria-infected tick had bitten me, I was sick because my immune system was compromised and not in a position to do what it was designed to do when the tick bit me, which was support my body to fight the bacterial invasion and heal itself.

And then a question arose, “Who is responsible for my immune system, for the state of my well being and the level of wellness existing in MY body?” Well…that would be ME!

This realization did not land in my consciousness in a way that made me feel wrong or at fault, it simply landed and planted instant roots. I couldn’t shake it off and to be perfectly honest, didn’t want to. It was a ‘Wow Moment’…I have created my life just as it is! I had laid the foundation myself.

I’d already tried on the victim outfit, and let me tell you, I wore it well. I cried because I had ‘lost’ my life, was afraid, was very ill, and I felt sorry for myself. And rightly so I might add. This disease was no picnic and my life had been dramatically altered. And then, another brain-burp that surfaced the question, “So, how’s this working for you, this being a victim?” Let’s see….uh…well…not so well.

And so I wore the self-responsible outfit each day, examining the seams, the buttons, the experience I had in it. What a difference! The whining and ceaseless chatter went quiet in my head. The scenery of my life was no longer through the image of a tick and various spirochetes. Now it was MY life again, and there was something to be responsible for; the rebuilding of my immune system. And because I don’t know everything there is to know, even though I sometimes pretend I do, I leaned on experts in various natural healing modalities to support me.

I am no saint and I am a perfectly imperfect human being. There were periods of time when I stepped back into the victim outfit and did some serious whining (that I raised to a high art form), but those periods of time lessened and before long I got tired of my own complaints.

Of course, I had a lot of questions for myself. What had I been doing to compromise my immune system? What could I have done differently? Did it matter? What now?

Well, there is just no rest for the wicked…those questions were the bridge to my next lesson.

(This post is dedicated to Dr. Gary Gruber with my gratitude for his ongoing support)

More information:
Removing Obstacles as Treatment for Chronic Lyme Disease - article by Dr. Gary Gruber
ScienceMeetsNature.org - Dr. Gruber’s website